What If Anxiety Isn’t the Problem? (And Why Fighting It Makes It Worse)

Let’s get something straight: anxiety sucks. It hijacks your focus, wrecks your sleep, and makes even simple decisions feel like life-or-death calls. But here’s the weird thing—anxiety itself isn’t really the problem. The fight you’re having with it? That’s where most of the suffering comes from.

The Trap of Trying to “Fix” Anxiety

Most people treat anxiety like it’s a broken part that needs to be yanked out and replaced. You feel the discomfort rising, and your brain goes, “This is bad. Make it stop.” So you avoid the conversation. Or you overthink the email. Or you distract yourself with your phone, your fridge, or your work.

But that reaction—the urge to control or eliminate anxiety—is part of the problem. Not because you’re weak. But because you’re human. And your brain was wired to run from discomfort a long time before email or public speaking were invented.

The problem is, the more you run from anxiety, the more powerful it gets.

ACT: A Different Way to Relate to Anxiety

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) takes a radically different stance: it says, “Hey… what if you stop fighting anxiety, and start making space for it instead?”

That sounds counterintuitive, I know. But ACT isn’t about giving up. It’s about shifting your relationship with difficult emotions. Rather than trying to shut anxiety down, ACT invites you to acknowledge it, breathe into it, and refocus on what actually matters in your life.

Because here’s the truth: you can feel anxious and still do the thing.

You can have a racing heart and still speak up. You can feel uncertainty and still make a decision. You can carry fear with you and still move forward.

Why Control Doesn’t Work

Think of it like this: trying to control anxiety is like holding a beach ball underwater. It takes effort. You can do it for a while, but it keeps trying to pop up. Eventually, it bursts to the surface—and now you’re not only anxious, you’re frustrated, ashamed, and exhausted.

ACT teaches that the more we try to control our internal experience, the more we reinforce the belief that anxiety is dangerous. That we have to be calm, confident, and in control before we can live fully.

But what if you could start living right now, even with anxiety along for the ride?

Values Over Comfort

One of the most powerful parts of ACT is that it puts values—not comfort—at the center of your choices.

Instead of asking, “What will make me feel less anxious?”
You start asking, “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”

Maybe it’s a person who shows up, even with sweaty palms.
Maybe it’s a parent who’s present, even when their mind is racing.
Maybe it’s someone who finally makes that appointment they’ve been putting off for months.

That’s what ACT helps people do. Not eliminate anxiety, but untangle from it enough to start living a more meaningful life.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Just Wired for Survival

If you’re stuck in an endless loop of anxious thoughts, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your brain is doing exactly what it evolved to do: protect you. But that survival wiring wasn’t built for modern life. And it definitely wasn’t built for happiness.

The good news? You don’t have to rewire your brain overnight.
You just have to learn how to notice the thoughts, feel the feelings, and choose your direction anyway.

And if that sounds like something you’d like help with, well — that’s literally what we do.

Ready to Learn a Different Way to Work With Anxiety?

At Sandstone Therapy, we help people build a new relationship with anxiety — one rooted in awareness, acceptance, and action. If you’re ready to stop fighting and start living, reach out here.

Author: Bodie Coates, LMFT-S, LCADC-S, NCC