When You’re Doing Everything Right… and Still Feel Awful
You’re journaling. Meditating. Exercising. Saying no more often. Going to therapy. Drinking water. Doing all the “self-care” things people are supposed to do — and somehow… you feel worse?
That dissonance can be gutting. You finally muster the strength to make a change, expecting relief. But instead, what comes up is sadness, old pain, regret, fatigue, or anxiety. And it leaves you wondering:
“Am I broken? Am I doing something wrong?”
The answer is no — and you’re not alone. Here’s what might actually be going on.
Progress Doesn’t Always Feel Good at First
Healing often gets packaged like it’s a makeover montage: cut your hair, light a candle, read The Body Keeps the Score, and feel better. But real healing doesn’t move in a straight line — and it doesn’t always feel good.
In fact, feeling worse can be a sign you’re moving in the right direction.
Think of it like cleaning out a garage: things look worse before they get better.
When you slow down and start taking care of yourself, all the feelings you’ve been avoiding (or suppressing just to get through the day) begin to surface. That isn’t failure — it’s evidence that you’re finally safe enough to feel them.
Why You Might Feel Worse During Healing
A few common reasons people feel worse after starting therapy or committing to growth:
- You’re grieving your past self. As you grow, you become aware of old coping patterns that no longer serve you. Letting them go can feel like losing a part of yourself.
- You’re uncovering old pain. Many people don’t realize how much trauma or hurt they’ve stored away until they slow down. When you’re no longer in survival mode, it catches up.
- You’re adjusting to a new way of being. Boundaries, self-respect, slowing down — these feel foreign at first. They can be uncomfortable even when they’re healthy.
Sometimes just naming these dynamics is enough to take the pressure off. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It means you’re finally paying attention.
You’re Not Backsliding — You’re Integrating
It’s easy to misinterpret discomfort as regression. But often, it’s part of integration — your brain and body adjusting to a new way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
The inner critic may panic:
“You’ve done all this work and you still feel like this?”
But healing isn’t about getting to a place where you never feel pain. It’s about becoming more capable of facing pain with clarity, compassion, and support.
Instead of “I thought I was over this,” you start saying, “I can hold this now without falling apart.”
What to Do When You Feel Like This
First, give yourself permission to feel disappointed. You expected relief, and now you’re confused — that makes sense.
But then, try to reframe the discomfort as growing pains, not failure.
Here’s what can help:
- Talk with your therapist about what’s coming up.
- Revisit small joys — not just what’s “good for you,” but what feels genuinely comforting.
- Be extra gentle with your expectations.
- Surround yourself with people who affirm your progress — not just your productivity.
- Let go of the timeline. There isn’t one.
You don’t have to earn your healing by always feeling great. And you don’t have to fear the days when you don’t.
Final Thought
If this is you — if you’re doing the work and wondering why it feels so heavy — keep going. This doesn’t mean it’s not working. It means it’s real.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about finally learning to be you — fully, gently, and with room for all the parts that once had to hide.
Reach out here. We’re ready when you are.
Author: Bodie Coates, LMFT-S, LCADC-S, NCC
Sandstone Therapy 