Stop “Shoulding” On Yourself: Why Expectations Weigh You Down

There’s a sneaky little word that causes more suffering than most people realize: should.

• “I should be more patient.”
• “I should have achieved more by now.”
• “I should exercise every day.”

On the surface, these statements look like motivation. In reality, they’re often chains. I call this “shoulding on yourself.” The more you should on yourself, the more you turn life into a running tally of ways you’ve fallen short. And if you’ve noticed, the list never ends.

The problem with shoulds is that they rarely reflect your actual values. Instead, they’re borrowed—absorbed from culture, family, Instagram reels, or whatever version of “success” happens to be trending. They sneak in as rules you didn’t agree to, yet you feel guilty for breaking.

The Psychology of Shoulds

When you carry around “should statements,” you’re stuck in a mental trap that psychologists often call cognitive distortions. These aren’t lies you consciously tell yourself; they’re patterns of thought that warp reality and make you feel worse. “Shoulding” is one of the most common because it disguises itself as responsibility.

Here’s the irony: instead of making you stronger or more disciplined, shoulds make you resentful, ashamed, and disconnected from what actually matters to you.

What to Do Instead

The antidote to shoulding yourself isn’t about throwing away all goals or structure. It’s about shifting from borrowed rules to chosen values.

Here are a few practical ways to begin:

First, notice when you’re shoulding on yourself. Pay attention to the tone in your head. “I should…” usually carries guilt, while “I want…” or “I choose to…” feels lighter, more freeing.

Second, ask where that should came from. Is it really yours? Or does it belong to someone else’s idea of who you’re supposed to be?

Third, reframe it. Instead of “I should exercise,” try:

• “I want to move my body today so I feel more alive.”
• “I value health, so I choose to do something active.”

3 Steps to Overcoming the Trap of “Should”

1. Identify the “should.” Write it down exactly as it shows up in your mind.
2. Challenge it. Ask: “Whose voice is this? Does this rule actually fit with my values?”
3. Reframe it into a choice. Align it with something meaningful to you—not just an obligation.

Why This Matters

When you stop running your life on shoulds, you stop living like a defendant in your own courtroom. Instead, you start making choices that reflect who you actually are. The relief is immediate—not because your responsibilities vanish, but because they finally belong to you.

Author: Bodie Coates, LMFT-S, LCADC-S, NCC