The Weight of “What If”: Learning to Calm an Anxious Mind
Anxiety often sneaks in through the back door of our minds with two little words: what if.
What if I mess this up?
What if something bad happens?
What if I’m not enough?
It’s amazing how quickly those two words can spiral into a dozen scenarios that never even come close to happening. Anxiety thrives on possibilities, not realities. And while possibilities can be useful when we’re planning for the future, they can also trap us in loops of fear and overthinking.
Why “What If” Feels So Heavy
Part of what makes what if so powerful is that it tricks the brain into preparing for danger, even when no real danger exists. The body reacts as if the worry is already true—your heart races, your chest tightens, your sleep disappears.
That’s exhausting.
And yet, it’s human. Everyone struggles with uncertainty. Everyone feels the weight of “what if” at times. The problem isn’t that the thoughts appear—it’s that we get hooked by them and forget we can step back.
Shifting the Focus
Instead of trying to silence anxious thoughts completely (which usually just makes them louder), the goal is to change your relationship with them.
Here are a few approaches that help:
- Notice the thought, name it, and pause. Simply saying, “I’m having a what if thought” creates a little distance.
- Come back to what’s real. Ask yourself: What is actually happening right now? Often, the present moment is much calmer than the future your mind is inventing.
- Practice grounding. Breathe. Move your body. Look around the room and anchor yourself in what you can see, hear, or touch.
A Small Shift That Matters
If you want something practical to try this week, here’s a simple exercise:
- Write down the most common “what if” that shows up in your mind.
- Next to it, write the phrase “even if.” For example:
- What if I fail? → Even if I fail, I’ll learn something I can use next time.
- What if people judge me? → Even if they do, it doesn’t change my worth.
- Read the new statement out loud. Notice how your body responds.
That tiny shift—from bracing for the worst to remembering you can handle what comes—can be enough to soften anxiety.
Moving Forward
Anxious thoughts will come and go. That’s part of being human. But you don’t have to live in the world they invent. The next time your brain whispers what if, try answering with a calmer, more grounded voice.
Not with perfection. Not with force. Just with a little more compassion for yourself.
Author: Bodie Coates, LMFT-S, LCADC-S, NCC
Sandstone Therapy 