Seeing Only What We Want to See: Why Confirmation Bias Is Quietly Shaping Our Lives
There’s a belief I hold strongly, both as a therapist and as a human living in this moment: confirmation bias may be one of the most damaging psychological forces in modern society.
That’s not a scientific proclamation or a universal truth. It’s an observation — one formed from years of clinical work, countless conversations, and watching how people interact with information, each other, and themselves.
Again and again, I see the same pattern: people aren’t struggling because they lack intelligence or access to information. They’re struggling because they’re trapped inside narrow versions of reality that feel emotionally safe but intellectually limiting.
And confirmation bias is the mechanism that keeps those realities locked in place.
What Confirmation Bias Really Is (Beyond the Textbook Definition)
At its simplest, confirmation bias is the tendency to notice, seek out, and remember information that supports what we already believe — while dismissing or minimizing anything that challenges it.
But that definition doesn’t capture how deeply personal it is. Confirmation bias isn’t just about politics, news, or arguments on the internet. It shows up in how people interpret relationships, careers, mental health, identity, and self-worth.
If someone believes people are untrustworthy, they’ll catalog every betrayal and overlook quiet loyalty.
If someone believes they’re failing in life, they’ll treat every setback as evidence and every success as an exception.
If someone believes the world is hostile, they’ll experience disagreement as threat rather than dialogue.
Confirmation bias doesn’t feel like distortion from the inside. It seems like clarity.
Why the Mind Clings to It
The human mind seems far more concerned with emotional safety than objective accuracy.
Beliefs do more than describe the world — they organize it. They tell us what to expect, what to fear, and how to prepare. Once a belief becomes emotionally protective, the mind defends it fiercely. Changing a belief doesn’t just require new information. It requires tolerating uncertainty, discomfort, and vulnerability.
That’s why confirmation bias is so persistent. It offers certainty in a world that feels increasingly unstable.
Confirmation Bias as a Cultural Problem
Here’s where my concern widens beyond the individual.
When large groups of people stop challenging their own assumptions, cultures polarize. Conversations collapse. Curiosity dies. Everything becomes a battle between “right” and “wrong,” “us” and “them.” Many societal conflicts appear less about facts and more about identity-protecting beliefs that people are afraid to examine.
Algorithms reward certainty, outrage, and emotional simplicity. Nuance doesn’t spread well. Humility doesn’t go viral. Being wrong rarely gets applause.
And so people dig in. The result isn’t just division — it’s intellectual stagnation. A society that cannot question itself cannot grow.
The Cost at the Personal Level
On an individual level, confirmation bias quietly narrows a person’s life.
It limits emotional range. It reduces psychological flexibility. It makes growth feel threatening rather than inviting.
People often come to therapy saying they want clarity, peace, or confidence. What they’re really asking for is relief from the exhausting effort of defending a worldview that no longer serves them. Letting go of confirmation bias isn’t about abandoning values. It’s about loosening the grip on certainty so learning becomes possible again.
Becoming a More Well-Rounded, Cultured Individual
Being “well-rounded” isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about remaining teachable.
A cultured person isn’t defined by how much they’ve read or how refined their opinions sound. They’re defined by their willingness to encounter perspectives that don’t immediately make sense to them.
That willingness requires a few difficult shifts.
First, accepting that being wrong is not the same as being foolish.
Second, recognizing that discomfort is often a sign of growth, not danger.
Third, understanding that complexity doesn’t weaken beliefs — it strengthens them.
A worldview that survives honest scrutiny is far more resilient than one protected by avoidance.
How People Begin to Outgrow Confirmation Bias
This isn’t about “fixing” the mind. It’s about relating to it differently.
Here are a few practices that help loosen confirmation bias without creating defensiveness:
- Treat beliefs as hypotheses, not conclusions.
Instead of “This is how things are,” try “This is how things seem to me right now.” That single shift opens the door to revision. - Seek understanding before agreement.
You don’t have to adopt another perspective to learn from it. Understanding is not surrender. - Notice emotional reactions before intellectual ones.
Strong emotional responses often signal that a belief is being protected, not examined. - Expose yourself to thoughtful disagreement.
Not inflammatory content — but intelligent, good-faith perspectives that challenge your assumptions without attacking your character. - Practice saying “I don’t know” without rushing to fill the space.
Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but it’s also fertile ground for wisdom.
The Role of Therapy in This Process
In therapy, confirmation bias often reveals itself gently.
A client will present a story about themselves or their life that feels airtight — until small contradictions begin to appear. Over time, those contradictions aren’t threats; they’re invitations.
Therapy doesn’t work by replacing one belief with another. It works by expanding the frame so the person has more room to move, think, and choose.
Growth doesn’t come from being right.
It comes from being open.
Why This Matters Now
I don’t believe confirmation bias is a flaw unique to our time. Humans have always struggled with it.
But I do believe the stakes are higher now.
When people stop questioning themselves, they stop listening. When they stop listening, they stop relating. And when that happens — at any scale — empathy erodes. A society that cannot reflect on its own assumptions risks mistaking certainty for wisdom and confidence for truth.
The alternative isn’t relativism or chaos. It’s humility. It’s curiosity. It’s the courage to say, “There may be more here than I’m seeing.”
Closing Reflection
Becoming more well-rounded isn’t about collecting better arguments. It’s about cultivating a mind that can hold complexity without panic. Confirmation bias thrives in fear and therefore, it weakens in curiosity.
And while we may never eliminate it entirely — nor should we expect to — learning to recognize it might be one of the most meaningful acts of personal and cultural responsibility we can take on. Because the moment you stop assuming you already know the full story…
That’s the moment your world starts to get bigger.
Author: Bodie Coates, LMFT-S, LCADC-S, NCC
Sandstone Therapy 